The Birth of Taya Rei

Please forgive me for using medical terminology. Just google something if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

Background Info

I had Braxton Hicks (BH) contractions from when I was about 20 weeks pregnant. They were always noticeable, never painful and sometimes surprisingly strong. So I’m not sure when the BH changed into labour contractions. I could have been in early labour for a few days before my labour actually started, but I don’t know because there was never a change in my BH at all that could have clued me in to the fact that I was very close to giving birth.

From about 33 weeks, Taya assumed a right occiput transverse (ROT) position, sometimes turning left OT. She never went into an occiput anterior (OA) position towards the end of pregnancy. I’m not sure what the reason was for her preference of the ROT position. I constantly tried doing spinning babies exercises to help her assume LOA position, which is considered to be the optimal position for birth. But I ended up just telling her to assume the best position for me and her to have the best birth possible, even if it wasn’t LOA.

I was very calm about carrying Taya for 42 weeks, and did not have any expectation to give birth before then. But I think I did know somewhere in my head (but suppressed the idea to avoid disappointment) that I would give birth much earlier than 42 weeks.

Labour Day

On Saturday, 3 December, at 37 weeks and 1 day pregnant, David and I went to town to visit my sister and brother-in-law. We made a detour and walked through a local Christmas market where we bought a pink owl-cat teddy (we didn’t know we were having a girl, but the pink teddy was just so cute we decided to get it anyway…). We visited with my sister and brother-in-law for a while, sitting in their lounge. I was on their couch when I got uncomfortable because Taya suddenly started moving around, punching and kicking like crazy. I decided to go sit on their ottoman, which I knew was usually more comfortable for me anyways. After about 30 seconds, I felt a lot of pressure and a sudden release of fluid! I stood up a bit and it kept running out. I was pretty sure it wasn’t pee… My sister got me a towel and very excitedly, David and I headed home. This was probably around 13h00, but I’m not sure.

That was very unexpected. Not just that my water broke when I was only 37 weeks pregnant, but that my water broke first as a sign of labour! I was hoping for my water to break at the very end of labour… In the car home, I told David about pre-labour rupture of membranes (ROM), and said that it could still be a while (meaning days) before I go into labour, since I had no other signs of labour. We also realized that we hadn’t decided on a name for a boy yet…

We got home and started cleaning the house (I didn’t want to have a baby and an untidy house). Because I was (consciously) expecting her much later that 37 weeks, we weren’t really fully prepared for the labour. I decided to PV myself (this was probably around 14h00) just to see if I was dilated at all or not. I was 2cm dilated, with a very soft cervix that was about half a cm thick. Taya’s head was very high, station about -2. I hadn’t seen any show in the days leading up to the labour and also didn’t see any when I PVed. I told David that it could still be really long, as her head was very high.

We headed back to town to finish things at church that needed to be ready for the next morning’s service and to buy food. As we were in town I started having one and sometimes two contractions in ten minutes. They didn’t last very long, but they were very strong. I felt them as “period pain” coming and going (a description of contractions I’ve heard hundreds of times over from my time as a midwife in a government hospital). After we left Spar around 16h00, I suddenly had no appetite at all. That’s when I started thinking that I was going to give birth that day.

We arrived home again and finished sorting the house out, and took one last picture of my pregnant tummy. I remember exactly at 16h37, I wanted to send a few friends a message that my labour was picking up, but I just decided to put my phone down (and then I didn’t pick it up again until the next day somewhere). I suspect that’s when I went into active labour. I never timed my contractions, so I can just say roughly how long and far apart they were. I started having two to three contractions in ten minutes that lasted about half a minute and required me to stop what I was doing and bend over on a counter or whatever I was close to. The contractions got intense very suddenly. It went from maybe I’ll give birth tomorrow, to this baby is gonna come very soon!

We moved into our room, pulled the curtains closed and started playing music (Hillsong’s Empires album, minus the songs Rule and Empires). I went from leaning over the back of a chair to a knee-chest position on the bed to lying on my side on the bed and back to the chair over and over again. The contractions never were more than three in ten minutes and didn’t last extremely long (maybe 40 seconds max, maybe a minute; I’m not really sure). I also had very long breaks in between the sets of contractions. Somewhere I decided to check out my purple line. It was very high, maybe 1.5 cm away from the top and it was bright red, not purple. I then thought that this was gonna be over quickly (meaning an hour or so). I started vocalizing a bit with contractions, just low moaning sounds. My back was a bit sore now and then, but back rubs did not do it for me. David was praying over me during the contractions and he just held me mostly. I liked having him close. I realized that I was thirsty and asked him to make me red raspberry leaf tea mixed with apple juice (hoping that the tea would do it’s trick and make me fall asleep and wake up pushing like I’d heard happened to one woman). (I had only eaten breakfast that day and also didn’t drink much at all… Not smart.) I also started praying that the labour would finish quickly, because it was turning out to be much more effort than I’d expected. I had the urge to push with one of my contractions (this was between 17h00 and 18h00) and felt a bit nauseous, but never to the point of vomiting. The “period pains” were also becoming much stronger with each contraction and I had expected a totally pain free labour. I told David that I wanted to get into our bath tub and that he can fill it up with warm water for me. I was not planning to give birth in water and I also told David before I was in labour that it was unnecessary to set up my birth pool.

Around 18h00, I got into the bath tub. It was nice, but nothing special. I went through the contractions in the tub for an hour when it got quite uncomfortable (it’s hard and has very limited space to move around in easily) and David asked if he could set up my birth pool. I said a very emphatic yes. It was actually very unfair of me to ask him that so late in labour, since it usually takes me about 3-4 hours at a home birth to set up and fill up. David did his task amazingly and it ended up taking him about an hour and 40 minutes. While he was setting the pool up and I was alone in the bath, I had a lot of thoughts running through my head. I was thinking about pain relief and went through the different options. I thought about Pethidine and how stupid I think it is, that it doesn’t do anything beneficial. I was even getting mad at Pethidine for being so useless. I then also thought about Buscopan and wondered if I could get someone to come and give it to me. I wondered if I could call my doula friend to come over to give me tips and help me with positions that would let the baby come out faster, but I imagined her just saying that by the time she gets to me the baby would already be out. Somewhere I PVed myself again and felt that I was about 6 or 7cm dilated, but the head was not descending nicely; it was still at -2 or -1. The high head got me a bit discouraged and I thought that this was still gonna take very long. I never tried to feel for her head’s position. Taya was kicking nicely during labour to assure me that she was fine. I never checked her heartbeat during labour.

I was vocalizing much louder (but I still kept the sounds low and made sure I wasn’t tensing my mouth or shoulders up) and started wondering what the neighbours were thinking… I was also praying much more fervently that the baby’s head would get down. David popped in to check on me regularly and pray while he was setting the pool up.

I had a flashback sometime to the miscarriage, as I had also laboured in the bathroom. I chose not to dwell on that memory.

I felt very present in my mind and logical during the whole labour. I never felt spaced out or out of control at any point. Despite this, time felt like it went by so quickly. Each time I asked David what time it was, I was super surprised that so much time had gone by already. So my labour actually felt very fast to me.

I started pushing while I was in the bath tub. I’m not sure if it was my body telling me to push or me just deciding that I want to get her head down. I didn’t push with each contraction and also not during the entire contraction. One thing I learnt very quickly was that pushing felt very, very good! It made the “period pains” disappear totally! Only thing was that pushing was quite tiring, so it was difficult to keep it up…

Her head descended very suddenly (I guess at this point that her rotation from ROT to OP to LOA was complete and that there was nothing else in the way, so it descended very easily) and I attempted to push my cervix over her head while I was pushing with contraction. It wasn’t painful at all, and I don’t think I was doing it properly. I was more just feeling how her head was descending as I was pushing. When her head came down to my perineum, it didn’t come down any further for a long time. I played with the idea in my head to call my home birth midwife partner to come and cut an episiotomy (this was just one of the unreasonable type of thoughts that can come with being in transition). Talking about transition, I don’t know when mine started. I think I had a very long transition possibly, but I’m not sure. I never felt like I was dying though, and I never felt like I couldn’t do it anymore and that I need to be taken to the hospital. In fact, throughout the whole labour I was very happy that I didn’t have to be in a hospital. I could be naked and make whatever noise I wanted and have all the lights off and do whatever I wanted.

I was constantly praying that I wanted the labour to be over. I think because I knew what the signs of imminent delivery were, I was trying to force it on myself. I knew that when most women say they can’t carry on anymore, the baby is usually very close to being out. So I was praying things like that on purpose, I think. I also wondered at one stage where the endorphins were and why they weren’t relieving my pain (after the labour, I had a bruised forehead for a week from resting my head on the hard side of the bath between the contractions, and I never felt any pain there during labour, so the endorphins were definitely there!).

I was also very confused about the pain I was feeling. I wondered what caused it; was it sin that I needed to repent of, was I actually fearful somewhere in the back of my mind? I didn’t think about that for too long, and then just carried on going through the contractions. I was constantly changing position in the bath. I was on my knees sometimes, sometimes on my side and sometimes I stood up in the bath. I blew out the candles that David had lit for me and I mostly had my eyes closed.

Then at 21h00 David came and told me the birth pool was ready. I was extremely happy about that. He helped me out of the bath and I got a contraction as I was getting out. My arms were around his neck and I buried my face in his shoulder. I swayed with the contraction. That was the most pleasurable contraction I had. It felt amazing to hang onto him. Then I got into the birth pool. Sinking into the deep, warm water and resting on the soft floor and sides of the birth pool felt like heaven at that stage. I floated around and turned over just to enjoy the weightlessness. Soon a contraction came and I started pushing with it. Pushing was so enjoyable for me. It just made everything feel better. After the first contraction, I felt all the muscles in my legs were on the verge of cramping! I always felt so sorry for women in the hospital who would start pushing their babies out and then get cramps in their legs as well. I felt that dealing with muscle cramps at that point in life was so unfair.

I knew that I needed to hydrate myself. I told David to make me Empact and mix Nutriverus in. I downed it very quickly and felt better after that. My muscles never cramped.

Her head crowned very gradually, but I was content. I wanted time for my perineum to stretch nicely. I told David to feel her head as well. I was leaning on the side of the pool with my head, on my knees and using my hands to support my perineum wherever I felt it was burning. I also stopped pushing as soon as I felt a burning sensation. When her head was out up to her ears more or less, I decided to stop pushing for a few contractions, just to slow things down even more. I thought to myself that I really don’t want stitches, so I have to take it very slow.

Then a point came with one of the contractions where I just decided that this baby is coming out now. I carried on pushing and felt her head pop out. I felt a cord around her neck, but it was loose, so I thought she’d just come out with it and we’d loop it over her head after she was out. I tried pushing her shoulders out with two contractions, but I didn’t really feel anything happening. With the next contraction, I decided to lift her head up toward the roof to help the anterior shoulder be released. Her shoulders came out easily then, but they were more painful than her head. Her body glided out nicely, and David said that the cord was looped around her neck twice, and that one of the loops was very tight. I told him to just pull them over her head (she was still under water), which he did easily, then I lifted her onto my chest and just breathed a sigh of relief and relaxed. She was out at 21h45. She didn’t cry at all, but her muscle tone was good, so I knew she was fine and happy. The lounge was lit by candles, so it wasn’t easy to see her colour. We heard her soft breathing that was a little whimper sometimes. I just put my head back and was so relieved to have it all over. After about 5 minutes we remembered to check if we had a boy or a girl! We were overjoyed to see that our baby was a girl!! David got oil and prayed over our baby (I can’t remember if this was before or after we checked the gender). A while later David said we should just check again to make sure it’s a girl. She was indeed our baby girl. Although we never said our preference during my pregnancy and insisted that we didn’t have a preference, we both actually wanted a girl. And she had a full head of hair!!! I was so happy about that as well.

After about 15 or 20 minutes, I felt a contraction again and saw blood in the water, meaning that my placenta had detached. I started pushing immediately and I pulled a little on the cord just to make sure the placenta was really detached. When I felt the cord get longer easily, I pushed with all my might to get it out in that one contraction. The placenta came out nice and easily with only one contraction. Then we got out of the pool and walked to the bed where Taya latched on very effortlessly and drank to her heart’s content. She drank on and off for about two hours.

I had quite uncomfortably strong contractions while Taya was drinking. I thought then to massage my uterus (I had minimal bleeding up to that point), which led to two tennis ball sized clots coming out. I felt much better after that. I carried on rubbing my uterus and smelling Taya’s head to encourage my uterus to contract. I had let Taya crawl to the breast herself, so she was also helping my uterus to contract with her kicking and sucking. I filled two linen savers up with blood. I asked David to feed me dates to also help my uterus to contract. I wasn’t that worried about the amount of bleeding. After about 4 hours, David cut her cord and I walked to the bathroom to pee. After my bladder was empty, the bleeding was much less. I saw myself in the bathroom mirror and I looked very weird without my huge tummy, which was now hanging very loosely below my belly button. My upper abdomen was sunken and I looked like those pictures of very anorexic girls with their ribs sticking out, except that I had the funny-looking loose lower abdomen.

We then used one of our phone’s torch and the other phone’s camera to help me see how my perineum did. I sustained a labial laceration that, in my opinion, didn’t need suturing. My perineum wasn’t painful at all.

We spent the rest of the night totally relaxed and happy, staring at our perfect baby girl. We managed to fall asleep around 4am.

Afterthoughts

I think my labour was amazing. I just get good feelings (and a milk letdown) when I think back to it. Even though it was much harder work than I expected and I didn’t experience a totally pain-free labour, I loved it. I would do it again any day.

I was sad that my water broke so early in labour. It could have happened because of Taya’s position (posterior babies sometimes have an early ROM). I hope for my future labours that my water breaks right before the baby comes out. Contractions are usually less intense if the membranes are intact.

I think her shoulders caused the laceration. I also realized that I should have tried changing positions first to release her shoulders. My medical midwifery training just kicked in there causing me to do what I was taught instead of just doing something as natural as lifting one leg up, which I really feel would have done the trick.

Considering that Taya had to take the long way around from ROT to LOA, I actually had a very fast and easy labour. It could also be that my uterus had to contract much more powerfully to get her into the right position for descent. The cord that was around her neck twice could also have kept her high up and prolonged her labour (keep in mind that I was expecting an hour or two of contractions and a totally effortless labour; I know a 5 hour long labour is not long at all).

My biggest mistake was not eating or drinking during the day before my labour started and not staying hydrated during labour.

My advice to any other midwives who want to give birth at home… Do not PV yourself. Just let labour happen and keep assuming that you’re only 3 or 4cm dilated. I think that PVing myself caused fear and discouragement to come in a bit. It’s fine when the head is crowning to keep a hand or two there, but don’t assess yourself. I won’t do it in future labours (I don’t PV my home birth clients anyways unless it’s requested or I think it’s very necessary).

Why did I have pain in labour? These are my theories. 

• I was dehydrated and hungry. Imagine arriving at a marathon that starts at 5pm and you only ate breakfast and had nothing to drink the whole day…
• I got discouraged when I felt how high her head was.
• I didn’t deal with my feelings during labour. I think I was afraid to admit any fears or negative feelings. It might have changed a lot if I’d voiced how I felt about her head being high, the intensity of the contractions and fear that my labour was going to take very long. Then I would have had it out in the open and truth could be spoken over me.
• I kept postponing and never got to writing and putting up any affirmations.
• Maybe her position led to very strong contractions attempting to turn her into the right position for exit. 
• I think my abdominal muscles kept Taya from assuming an OA position before labour. I had a six-pack from the age of 9 and maintained it for my whole life. During pregnancy, I was overly anxious about developing diastasis recti (separation of abdominal muscles) and did a lot of core exercises and nearly constantly had my stomach muscles engaged, even when I wasn’t exercising. The near constant pulling-in of my stomach could have reduced the space for Taya to lie with her back to my tummy and then held her in that posterior position.

So all things considered, I had an amazing labour. I thank God for it regularly. I am so grateful that I gave birth at home with only my husband present. Throughout my labour, I never doubted our decision to give birth unassisted at home. I really look forward to doing it again!! And I aim to have a totally pain free labour next time!

The Longest Natural Miscarriage Ever

Here is the story of my miscarriage. The short version first:

When I was 10 weeks pregnant (4 June, 2015), I started bleeding. I went for a sonar that diagnosed a missed miscarriage and the doctor said the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks.  16 weeks after the sonar, I had a complete natural miscarriage at home with no complications (24 September, 2015).

The long version is very long… I don’t really know what to include and to exclude… How vague or specific I should be. I just want this story to show other people (medical people, people going through a miscarriage, everyone really) what is possible. There is a medical side and a spiritual side to my story. I don’t feel I can separate them. I’ll add headings to help with navigation and for anyone to skip a section they’re not interested in. I also feel that I should add my thoughts that I have in hindsight. I’ll put those thoughts in brackets so that the flow of the story isn’t interrupted.

Before Pregnancy

Without doing much research or praying, I decided to use oral contraceptives when we got married as birth control. I used it non-stop for 2 years. It was the first time in my life that I used the pill and the one that I used was a very light dose.

I thought I didn’t have any side effects. Then after 2 years and some research into a side effect that I slowly realised I did have, I decided that for health reasons, I should stop using the pill. Around that time, my sister-in-law got pregnant and, for the first time since I’d been married, I got excited about having a baby. So it coincided nicely with me leaving the pill. I figured it would be easy. Not much effort. Just boom and we’re pregnant. But that didn’t happen at all.

After stopping the pill, I had the weirdest period. Before using the pill, I had a 28-day regular, good period. No pms, no cramps, no excessive bleeding. On the pill it was even better. But when I stopped using it, my first cycle was 33 days long, with a very short and light period (3 days of spotting). The next was 36 days long with the same short, light period. Then 32 days. Then 37 days. Then 31 days, then 35 days. No real period to mention. Just 2-3 days of spotting. I took pregnancy tests for the first 3 months, then stopped and just decided to wait for my period instead of testing every 28th day. (The pill was obviously the reason my period was so irregular; I don’t think I ovulated at all for the first six months after leaving the pill.)

Then one month I suddenly had a 28 day cycle. Not an impressive period. 3 days with light bleeding. 9 days after my period began, I had a light bleed again for one day.

29 days after my period I noticed my boobs looked bigger. On day 30, I took a pregnancy test which turned out positive! What a surprise!

Pregnancy

The Clearblue pregnancy test said 3+ weeks, which is weird because it was supposed to say 2 weeks, according to my period (Another thought I had in hindsight was that I could have released a defective ovum; this could be attributed to using the pill, if this was the case). Because of the confusion caused by my irregular period with the extra random day of bleeding, and the pregnancy test saying something other than what I expected, we went to have a sonar. The sonar couldn’t see anything, so we went with 2 weeks pregnant, according to my period (I regret going for that sonar; the miscarriage could also be attributed to having the damaging ultrasound waves pointed at the baby at such a vulnerable time).

Apart from having bigger boobs, I didn’t have any other pregnancy symptoms. I thought I was just having a very easy pregnancy; I didn’t have a moment of nausea. And I wasn’t “taking it easy” (which I still don’t believe in). At 7 weeks pregnant, we had a stall at the university’s open day. We had an extremely busy day, in the sun the whole time, not drinking anything… I got heat stroke, which I treated at home with lots of water. I was better after one day of rest and rehydration (This could also be the cause of the miscarriage, as the sonar said the baby stopped developing at 7 weeks. Those are my three possible causes for the miscarriage that are the result of my choices. Obviously, I know that there could be other reasons like chromosome abnormalities or whatever).

Miscarriage

On 2 June 2015, when I was 10 weeks pregnant, I started bleeding. The day before, I mentioned to my husband that my boobs look smaller again. I didn’t think much of the bleeding, because sometimes women bleed in pregnancy. And I didn’t see miscarriage as a possibility for me, so I just left it. I wasn’t bleeding a lot, and I wasn’t having any cramps. The bleeding carried on for three days (the “normal” early pregnancy bleeding usually only lasts one day), and on the third day, I was at work (I worked as a midwife at a government hospital’s maternity ward). I started having lower back pain and cramps, and my bleeding increased. That’s when I decided to go for a sonar at GOPD (Gynaecology and Obstetrics Out-Patient Department), and that’s when I knew that I was having a miscarriage.

The doctor started the sonar and saw that the gestational sac was abnormally shaped and that there wasn’t a heartbeat. She said it was a missed miscarriage when she was talking over the phone to the gynaecologist that I was going to see to confirm the diagnosis. I phoned my husband to come pick me up from the hospital. We went to the other doctor who did a sonar and said the baby stopped developing at 7 weeks and that there was no heartbeat. We phoned our family and went home, both of us in tears and shock.

I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. It never crossed my mind as a possibility.

I remembered that the previous week at our cell group, I was asked what I struggle with… My friends wanted to know what to pray for with me. And I confessed that my faith struggles when I deal with the death of babies at work. When a woman loses her baby – especially when I pray for her and with all the faith we have believe in God for a miracle – my faith gets dealt a hard blow… And now here I am in the same situation…

When the second doctor confirmed the miscarriage he said he recommends I go for a procedure called evacuation of the uterus (evac). I immediately said no, I am going to have the miscarriage naturally (At that stage I had been working as a midwife in the government sector for 3 years and I had just started with my home birth practice; natural birth was very important to me).

The moment we got home I started researching natural miscarriage. I felt ready to have one; except, it just didn’t happen. The bleeding became less and totally stopped after 10 days. I never really got any cramps showing that something was happening. I went for sonars every 3 or so days while bleeding (I also regret these regular sonars; I wasn’t aware of the danger of ultrasound at that stage of my research into natural pregnancy and birth). A later sonar apparently showed that the baby had been absorbed. So now there was just a gestational sac and placenta left inside. That made it much less personal and easier to want it to get out.

But now I had the problem of a miscarriage that started and didn’t want to finish. I read that 80% of women can miscarry naturally. So now I had to be one of the (known) 20% who have a miscarriage with a first pregnancy and one of the 20% who don’t miscarry naturally. The internet didn’t have any information that said how long a miscarriage can take before you are declared unable to have a natural miscarriage and are obliged to go for an evac.

I thought that the internet must have a solution. From that first day I found out about the miscarriage, I turned to google and found many ways to help complete a miscarriage naturally. That included things like ascorbic acid overdose and drinking horrible tasting herbs like blue and black cohosh… I tried all of that and many other methods. Even waking up 4 times at night to stick to my times to drink the herbs. And nothing happened…

After about 3 weeks of trying all this, I became convicted. I turned nearly everywhere except to God. What was His plan in all this? What was I supposed to learn? I decided to turn to seeking God, to learning Who He is, and to not do anything until He says what I should do.

In this time of waiting I was able to identify a deep fear for going to theatre. I realised that I had put the “natural” way ahead of God’s way. I needed to be willing to do God’s will even if it meant having an evac. That was very difficult. But I decided ok. If God tells me to have an evac (I didn’t know how He would do that), I will. If God tells me to use medication, I will. Till then, I wait.

The wait was hard. Falling asleep during this time was very difficult for me. Music was the only thing that helped me get relaxed enough to fall asleep. My husband knew exactly which songs to play at night to help me sleep.

I didn’t want to talk to a lot of people about the fact that I was still having a miscarriage. Over the entire internet, I couldn’t find a case like mine. I don’t think many people could wait as long as I did; maybe that’s why I couldn’t find a similar story. I especially didn’t talk to any of the doctors and nurses I worked with. They would all think I was crazy. What about sepsis, what about calcification, haemorrhaging…

I felt very qualified to allow myself to be in this situation. I felt like I was covered in terms of safety because of my medical background. I knew that I could identify any dangerous signs and symptoms as soon as they appear and that I would get help immediately if needed.

After about 8 weeks from the sonar confirming the miscarriage, I came across this: When the darkness forces us to the deepest recesses of our souls, it is there that we are able to decide if God is good.

I knew this journey was also spiritual. It was not just physical. Maybe that was why my body had none of the typical reactions. God gave me time to use this situation to learn something essential about Him. Maybe He spared me from dangerous situations like sepsis and excessive bleeding. My case was unlike all others because my journey was unlike all others. I knew that with all my heart. I knew my solution would come when I got to the heart of God. I gave up my right to have a natural miscarriage. I gave up my right to have children. If this miscarriage just never happened, I decided I was ok. I just wanted to be in God’s will.

While all this was happening, life still had to carry on. There was still work, church, friends, meals, other challenges wanting attention... I just wished life could pause. That would have made everything easier.

And then one day, out of the blue, not a really significant day as far as I know, with no relevant spiritual revelations or milestones, 16 weeks after finding out about the miscarriage (23 September), I started bleeding again. That night around 9pm, I started getting strong cramps and lower back pain. This continued through the night until about 4am and then stopped totally. I was ready. I wanted it to happen so badly. I actually wanted to feel physical pain. The next afternoon it started up again. It was so intense, but I welcomed the pain.  I needed the physical pain to balance out the emotional pain. The pain was cathartic. It was so therapeutic. It was the most difficult thing I had ever done. I had never experienced anything like it. 

When it started up again, my husband and I were at his mother’s house. The contractions were so strong that I was immobilised during them. When we got into the car to go home, the contractions intensified. I couldn’t sit in the passenger seat, so I climbed to the backseat and went through the contractions lying on my side. At one stage, I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore and thought to tell my husband to just take me to the hospital. But I didn’t say anything. When we got home I went to the bathroom and lay down on my stomach on the floor. The cold from the tiles felt good. I thought to myself at that stage that I would definitely be able to give birth to a term baby if it was anything like what I was going through. I got into a squat position and felt that my cervix was about 3 cm dilated and there was something on the way out. I was so proud of my cervix for dilating and my uterus for contracting so well. Without any extra effort, a placenta came out. It was about 6cmx2cm big and had a lot of calcifications. There was a very small gestational sac with about a teaspoon of murky amniotic fluid. There wasn’t anything else inside the gestational sac. When it was over, we cried together for a short time, and then we had new hope. It was over (24 September). 20 weeks after the baby had stopped growing. I was so proud of my body. I was so happy that I waited and trusted God to do something for me. It finally happened.

Important Thought

Something that I thought about for the first time was how insensitive this question is: So when are you gonna have children? I used to ask it to people all the time. Most people don’t think twice to ask it. And I was one of them. I’ve even asked a dear friend how many children she has. Because everyone assumes a middle-aged married couple will have children. And then she went on to tell me about how she has lost all her babies… We are not mad at anyone for asking us when we’re going to have children. We just realised that it’s not such a straightforward question. I didn’t go around telling every new person I met that I was busy having a 4-month long miscarriage. But nearly every new person I met asked me when we’re gonna start having children.

If you are reading this and you were one of the people who happened to ask us that, don’t feel bad. We are not angry. We just think that the question needs to be approached differently. What I thought we could rather ask people is how they feel about children. That leaves it open for them to say, we love our children, we wish we had children but we can’t, we don’t want children. Or whatever other answer can come from that.

Current Pregnancy

So one year on from that experience, I am now 27 weeks into our second pregnancy. Only at around 16 weeks did I stop expecting to see blood in my panty every time I went to the bathroom. My previous pregnancy obviously strongly influenced my mind-set in this pregnancy, but I have really enjoyed this pregnancy thoroughly. After our baby is born, I will write about how amazing this experience was and share about our planned unassisted home birth.